Could you not understand that I needed to go to Melbourne? I needed to do it man, I just needed to. It never had to be a permanent move. I know, I wasn’t sure if it could be temporary when I left. I didn’t say to you “I’ll definitely come back after a year”. But I did suggest moving for a year in the first place, and I never felt 100% certain that I’d be going for good. I certainly didn’t feel like our story was over. If you ever felt insecure like you weren’t enough for me (because I kept missing Melbourne) you never had to feel that way; I was the one with the problem. I kept looking backwards, it was a terrible thing for me to do. And really, if we moved together I just know it would’ve been a good thing for you. It would’ve been great for you to live in another city for a year and to gain some independence in a different place. Just like how it benefitted me, I know it would’ve benefitted you.

You saw how much I was changing for the worse as the years went by didn’t you? I became less enthusiastic about making memories together, didn’t I? Things like going on road trips, playing sports, trying jiu-jitsu with you, going hiking, even just cooking after work. Ironic. Things that would’ve been good for my mental health, I didn’t bother doing. Did you know that they would’ve been good for my mental health when you suggested doing them, or did you suggest them simply because you wanted to do things together? If it was the former it would’ve been great if you said so, because I never really monitored or thought about my mental health at the time.

If you were in my position and you needed to go away for a while I would’ve supported you. I would’ve supported you the whole way. That’s what a partner does, right? That’s what love is isn’t it? Or does love just not exist these days and are people just willing to give up on others when they need to do something that terrifies them? I never would’ve just gave up or immediately lost hope because I know how strong our bond was and I know that kind of bond doesn’t come along often. I thought we both felt the same way about each other but I guess it’s become clear that I love you more than you loved me, because even now when I know you’re with someone new I still haven’t given up hope to be with you again even when you’ve said you don’t love me anymore. And you know what? Fine. Go love someone else, I don’t mind being in love with you still.

I know you don’t believe anything I say and that you can’t trust my words, I can’t change that, but I know why I moved and it wasn’t so I could “trial dating” man. I moved to “trial how I felt”. And very early on — possibly even the first night I moved back and sat at my desk — I felt like I had gone all the way back to square one. Throughout the year there were multiple moments where I felt I missed different things about living in Sydney. At the same time I realised things that I didn’t miss about Melbourne. These moments slowly made the scales tip the other way; I started to realise that I could see myself moving back to Sydney. I just didn’t share my thoughts with you because I was scared. I was scared you didn’t want me back, that you were moving on and that you were already dating. I have a very strong feeling that we both thought the same thing about each other, because I know we are the same. I just know we are the same.

We had such a strong bond, right from the start we had a strong bond. Right from that first date, do you remember? At least I felt that way, maybe I’m projecting my feelings onto you but I’m pretty sure you felt the same way too. I don’t think that kind of connection — the kind that is so strong and happens right away — comes along often, it certainly hasn’t for me anyway. And by that I mean before I met you, not after because I haven’t looked for anyone else. If you have that with this new guy then that’s good.

I needed to go. And really, it actually was a really good thing for me because it gave me perspective! It really gave me the perspective I needed to be a completely reliable partner for you. It gave me a lot of wisdom. It gave me what you needed me to be; a partner who wasn’t born in Sydney and who once saw it in a mostly negative light, who now sees it in a mostly positive light and wouldn’t do the back and forth about being unsure about it anymore. A partner who can give you the commitment and security that you need. Moving back made me realise things I couldn’t see before. I’ve fully realised what I didn’t know when I was in Sydney: that Sydney is actually a great city with its own uniqueness and advantages, even if it is objectively harder and more costly to live in. My perspective of it has changed completely, it really has. I never would’ve realised any of this if I didn’t leave, which is what held me back from committing and proposing in the first place. How could I completely commit to you if I kept yearning to be back in Melbourne every time I heard about it? Would you want a partner like that? A partner who committed but wasn’t 100% sure still? That would be even more unfair than not committing because you’re not 100% sure.

I know I made a promise to you and I know that promise is broken right now. I know that breaking that promise really hurt you too, I’m sorry. But that promise never stipulated I couldn’t leave temporarily. I know that sounds like an excuse, if you want to read it that way, fine. But why can’t we compromise for me to keep my promise to you? A promise that is actually a pretty huge promise? Leaving your family behind, moving to a new city for your partner? Come on man, anyone could see that is a pretty big sacrifice to make. I know the promise is that I would stay in Sydney and I can keep it! I just need to move back. That way the promise would be kept wouldn’t it? That way our three years would have something to show for it, right?

I’ve realised everything I needed to realise for us to work out, yet you’ve moved on when all I want is you. All I want is a life with you and a future with you. A future with you in Sydney, of course, that was always going to be the outcome. I don’t think you’ll ever understand how hard this has been for me. It’s crazy how two people can go from being extremely close; feeling what the other person is thinking, saying the same thing at the same time, feeling like the universe brought you together and feeling comfortable enough to share their innermost feelings and thoughts to becoming complete and utter strangers.

I just wish you would listen to me when I tell you what I can see now. We had three really great years together, practically four since we ended things in September. Do you even remember any of it? Do you remember any of the good emotions you felt when we were together? Or have you chosen to forget it all? I need to ask because it’s clear that you focussed solely on my shortcomings to get over me. We got through a pandemic together, we had so many firsts together (in both NSW and Victoria!), we learnt together, we grew together. How can it all be for nothing? A stitch in time saves nine right? Are you sure about this new guy? You’re going to marry him and be happy with him? He’s all I was and more? You have a better connection with him than we had and he’s better than me in every way I hope, because that’s what you deserve. I just wish I could’ve worked more on myself, just for you, just for us.

I can’t believe our time together was for basically nothing. We moulded each other and grew together didn’t we? I just wish you would hear me out. I haven’t given up on you. I haven’t chosen to move on because I know if we were together it would all work out in the end. Relationships need work at times and we put in the work into ours. I was so sure about you, I was so sure about us. It’s just devastating being so sure about something only to have the rug pulled out from underneath you.

Supposedly the number one reason why relationships break down is because of a lack of communication. I’m still shocked that’s what happened to us. Two people who met completely by chance, who have a really great connection right from the start, who say the same things at the same time, whose parents went through the same ordeals, who have similar family sizes, who like the same things, who want the same things in life (albeit one never voiced it as often), who have the same opinion on most things, who never disagreed on the small things like what to eat for dinner or what movie to watch or whether to get popcorn or not (the answer is always yes), who have similar backgrounds, who can spend 24/7 together going through a lockdown and still not feel like they need to get away from each other… can still end up breaking up because they simply didn’t voice their feelings or talk.

I’m not the bravest person. I know that if I just had’ve been a bit more brave last year and just told you what I felt (even if I was scared you were starting to see other people or that your feelings were starting to change or disappear) that I had missed this or that about Sydney, that I started to feel more and more that I could move back, that I think being made redundant was an actual sign from the universe telling me I need to go back then I know I wouldn’t be sitting here and writing this right now.

I’d be with you instead 😭