This story is about paying attention to the signs and following your heart when it comes to love. But mostly, it’s really about how I met – and subsequently lost – the girl of my dreams. The one who I thought I would marry and be with forever. Because I’m an idiot.

To set the scene, I had moved to Sydney as I landed a role in a graduate program in 2019. I had applied for approximately 60 programs in 2018, most of which were based in Melbourne but two of which were based interstate and somehow I landed the role in Sydney. I still remember clearly the day of the assessment centre and interview. I woke up at 4:30 am, drove to Avalon airport, caught a flight to Sydney, hired a car and drove to where I needed to go. I mainly went because I wanted to get more practice in for assessment centres, so I took a pretty casual approach to the day and didn’t expect to land the role at all. Looking back, I think was the first sign of many signs that I was meant to be with L. Somehow I – a guy from Melbourne – applied for heaps of jobs in Melbourne but didn’t get any of them and ended up moving to Sydney and later on found out that I would be working only a couple of hundred meters from L. Call me insane if you want, but I think that’s one heck of a coincidence.

Anyway, I’d been living in Sydney for only a few months before I met L. I still recall when I had asked her to go on a date via the usual means of the time, i.e. a dating app (because that’s what all the cool kids used). I still remember her profile. It was quite low-key and most of her photos were taken when she was travelling. She was standing quite far from the camera in all her photos so I couldn’t really tell what she looked like, although it didn’t really bother me. By this time I had become quite discouraged based on all the dates I’d been on and if I recall correctly she actually had experienced the same too. Although I’m sure that she didn’t pay for dinners for people who were really only interested in getting a free feed. Despite not being able to see much of her face in her photos, I asked her out anyway as I had no plans on the coming Friday night and she agreed, despite knowing full-well that I had moved from Melbourne (I think her sister J told her to “just go and give it a shot”). 

Our first date consisted of having dinner at Hello Auntie in Marrickville and boy, it was unequivocally the best first date I’ve ever been on, and it will probably stay that way for the rest of my life. I still remember being seated at a table next to the corner of the bar at maybe 8 pm waiting for her and how I was hunched over with my elbows on the table and the way she softly touched my left my shoulder when she greeted me (and apologised for being late, which didn’t bother me at all for some reason), which was something she said she didn’t normally do but “felt” like doing that night for some reason. I thought she looked absolutely stunning with some light makeup on and she wore a brown top with sleeves that had dangly bits on them which I was concerned would dip into the bun bo hue that we had ordered. I still remember at one point grabbing one of the dangly bits to prevent it from dipping into the bowl of bun bo hue as she held an arm over it.

As the night went on we ended up becoming more focussed on getting to know each other rather than eating because the food eventually went cold. This had never happened to me on a date before. We both came to learn that we both love our food, so the fact that we were more focussed on talking rather than eating was a good sign. It was like the date was more about talking and we took breaks to have a bite of our food (which we decided to share) as opposed to the other way around. We’d learned about each other’s professions (and that we were actually situated close to each other in Macquarie Park), our travel history (and how we both love South America), where our favourite places to travel were, our favourite foods, the kind of schools we went to and the kind of music we liked. When 9:30 pm rolled around and we were basically being told to get out (in the nicest way possible) for the restaurant to close up, we both didn’t want the night to end, so we decided to go for a walk together. And boy, did we walk.

I should make a note here for transparency and honesty. I regrettably asked to split the bill on our first date date despite it having gone so amazingly well. Yes, I’m a complete idiot (as you will come to understand further on in this story). But really, by that point I had paid for so many dates I was just sick and tired of it.

We walked all over Marrickville for about 4 hours that night. To me, it honestly felt like I was capturing lightning in a bottle. I’ve never really had much luck with girls before (by then I’d only had one girlfriend) so experiencing this kind of thing only 4 short months after moving to a new city took me by absolute surprise. At one point (I think it was around midnight) her ever-so-caring sister (J) called her up to make sure she was ok because it was unusual for her to be out that late without texting her. I think J was really concerned something had happened to her, and I wouldn’t blame her. Her sister says she’s going on a date with someone who says they’re from interstate and hasn’t answered any texts by midnight? I’d be concerned too.

I still remember the weather that night. It was a chilly and windy winter night in August. I remember she was wearing a dark coloured paddington coat with a hood, with either brown pants or jeans and boots and I was wearing a down jacket with a knitted top and cargo-style black pants with cuffs (which she later told me she didn’t really like the style of). And I remember as we walked around Marrickville I did something I’d never done before – I straight up told her that I really liked her (“I really like you”). It was something I’d never done before on a first date and it honestly felt great to just blurt it out loud. It was a moment of sheer courage on my part. I can’t remember what she said in reply, but I don’t think I would’ve been bothered if she said nothing, I just needed her to know. I even told her that I liked her gait (which I honestly did when I noticed it) but then I realised how weird it sounded, although she didn’t seem to mind the compliment. At one point the topic of getting attacked or raped came up due to the time of night and I made a joke that I would offer my butthole to the attackers instead. “Take my butthole!” Surprisingly, L laughed at this joke.

During the walk we stopped at a servo where I showed off my listening skills to her (she had said she likes it when guys pay for things sometime, probably in annoyance to the fact I asked her to split the bill — thanks idiot me) where I bought us both a couple of bottles of water, or maybe they were Powerades? I can’t quite recall. I feel like they were Powerades, after all, we were doing a lot of walking. At one point when it became really cold and windy, we huddled together inside an alcove to a store entrance for a few minutes and waited for the wind to die down. On our walk we eventually sat down at a bench across the street from a house with a hedge wall and talked. And talked. And talked. The connection was palpable. I felt like I’d met someone who I’d known for a long time — something that doesn’t come along often for me (in romantic or non-romantic relationships), and something I honestly don’t believe comes along for many people on first dates.

After that date we agreed to see each other again and we went on many other dates ranging from going to Cockatoo Island (2nd date), Korean BBQ (3rd date, where we coincidentally ended up walking from Eastwood to Epping where my apartment was — I swear I didn’t intend to do that!), a birthday dinner at Hurricane’s Grill (4th date) and a day trip to Wollongong (5th date). L had gone overseas at some point during this time with her parents to Japan and Korea and I couldn’t wait for her to get back so that I could see her again. I remember video calling her on WhatsApp one night just to see her and how the holiday was going and I still have screenshots from that call. The cutest thing about the Wollongong date was that I arrived at her house at around 9 am to pick her up and she asked if I wanted a coffee, to which I happily said yes and she brought out a black instant coffee with no sugar in a ceramic cup inside a zip-lock bag (to prevent spillage in the car). It wasn’t quite what I was expecting but the thought of it still makes my heart melt. I don’t know how to describe that kind of thing but I would say it’s such a “Vietnamese parent” kind of thing to do I think.

I remember on our second date to Cockatoo Island that I felt like having a coffee at one point in the afternoon. There was a coffee cart (which I think it was Toby’s Estate branded) on the island so I queued up. After staring at the menu for a few seconds trying to figure out what I wanted, I turned around and saw that L wasn’t standing next to me. Immediately I felt bewildered and wondered why she wasn’t next to me and where she was, and I realised she was standing several meters away. For some reason I felt like I needed her to be next to me when I was waiting, or at least I thought it was odd she wouldn’t wait with me in the line. I still remember the exact moment when I looked at her. She was holding her beige coloured jacket in her hands in front of her waist, she was looking off into the distance and she was standing there patiently. She was wearing a light coloured top that day with a floral print on it, jeans, boots and she had her Ray-Ban Clubmaster sunglasses on. During the afternoon we sat down by the water at one point. Looking at the sky, we saw a plane skywriting overhead. It wrote “Choose L” at which point I decided to take a photo of it and complete the second word with my name (which also starts with L – she would refer to us as L-squared at some points which I thought was super cute). I was only joking around at the time but in hindsight I think it was another sign. L kind of has a choice now because I’m sure there are at least two guys on the planet now who see their future with her. But she doesn’t think of me anymore in that way.

It really didn’t take me long to fall madly and deeply in love with L, I was surprised at how quickly it happened. It was a feeling I had never experienced in my life up to that point and I remember the moment I told her I loved her for the very first time. We were in her car driving to Epping Coles near where I was staying. I’m pretty sure we were on Blaxland Rd or Balaclava Rd (I can never remember which is which, it was the one that runs parallel to the train line) and I placed my hand on her thigh a few moments before I said to her “I love you” and then repeated it several times in a weird high-pitched way. I just couldn’t help myself, I just had to let her know how I felt about her. If I recall correctly she didn’t say it back, and I remember that she felt a bit awkward. I think she said that she felt uncomfortable when I placed my hand on her thigh, and I immediately felt bad for doing so. After all, you shouldn’t touch a woman without permission. At least that’s how I remember it, I could be wrong. I believe it was on this same afternoon in the Coles parking lot that I showed her a song that I thought would be a perfect wedding song. It was a song that I came to realise was part of another sign (which I’ll describe later on in this story).

After we had got through the early-dating stage of the relationship, L came over to my apartment on weeknights after work. I can’t exactly remember what we did those nights, but it was probably something like cooking together, eating whatever we cooked (or struggling to eat based on my cooking skills), simply getting to know each other more, going out to eat and going to the movies together. The thought of this time in our relationship brings a smile to my face (well, except for the part where I was being a brat), because L’s mum — whom I absolutely adore, admire and regard highly even to this day — did not allow her to stay at boy’s places overnight. I laugh at this next thought. L’s mum would often call her at night when she was at my place and I think it was because L’s mum was trying to catch L in the act or something, or at least try to interrupt her whilst she was in the act. I still remember these nights clearly, it would be around midnight and L would say that she was going to “have a nap” and then her alarm would go off at 1:30 am or something and she’d drive back to her house! And since this was pre-COVID, she would wake up and drive to the office the next morning! When I think of this, I actually chuckle in awe because of how crazy the thought of it is. Ah, the energy you have when you’re in your twenties, or when you’re L. 

Speaking of L’s seemingly limitless energy (well, unless we’re watching a movie that I wanted to show her – she tended to fall asleep those times), I recall one day when we went on a hike. After reaching the summit and being totally exhausted we talked about what we should grab to eat on the way back. We decided on McDonald’s – McNuggets specifically – and started the walk back and the funniest thing happened. L just started powering her way back to the car to the point where I would actually fall behind and had to start walking a lot faster just to keep up with her. She was walking like a mad man, swinging her arms back and forth like she was on a mission and as if she was just starting the hike all over again. I still have the video that I took of her walking like that on my phone and it cracks me up every single time I think of it. The power of McNuggets, eh?

It was also around this time in late 2019 that I was privileged enough to meet L’s family. I had joked to L that I would greet her mum with a phrase in Vietnamese that translates to “Oh my god!” and she laughed at the thought of it and egged me on to do it. I didn’t end up saying it because I felt like I would look like an idiot. In hindsight, since I am an idiot, I probably should have said it. But I still remember the first time I went to her house her mum made a delicious meal which I was very grateful for as I hadn’t had it in MONTHS. I recall at one point her sister also came into the dining room (I believe to sneak a peek at her sister’s new squeeze). I don’t remember if I met her dad or brother that night though. A common thing I would hear from L’s mum was “you look like my children”. Whenever she said this, I was always confused about what she meant. Did she mean physically or did she mean it on a more spiritual level? When I look back on it now, I understand that it was the greatest compliment I could’ve ever received from her mum. I never told L this but there was a day early on when I was at her house where we were upstairs. It was in the morning and we were watching TV. I was sitting on the couch and L was lying down on a mattress in front of me and her mum was downstairs pottering about, maybe making a couple of honey and lemon iced teas. I took a few sneaky photos of L on my phone and at that moment I thought “I feel like I’m at my cousins house”. It was a familiar and comforting feeling. Again, I think this was a sign that I was meant to be with L, in the sense that going to her house made me feel like I was with family. 

I was also privileged enough to meet L’s extended family, normally in the form of family barbeques. Sydney is pretty good like that in terms of barbeque-friendly weather. Now that I think about it, I fondly remember being grilled the first time I met her cousins. Her cousins are quite wicked that way; they’ll always grill a new partner. It was also enjoyable to meet her aunts and uncles, all of whom were very friendly and welcoming, and it honestly felt like I was seeing my own extended family again (except that my family speak both Cantonese and Vietnamese and L’s family only speaks Vietnamese). The only way I could describe her extended family is “warm”. I was also lucky and privileged enough to meet L’s grandpa, who I think was 93 or something when I first met him. I recall I attended his birthday celebration (I think it was at Villa Capri or Barluck) and how I had rehearsed over and over something congratulatory in Vietnamese to say to him. At that point he was the second oldest person I had ever met – the oldest person I had ever met was a 95 year old woman when I was working at the movies. I still remember how she was walking around easily, how her hair was still a rich brown colour and how I asked her what her secret was to her longevity.

As the months went by, 2020 decided to rear its ugly head around and we all know what happened in 2020. Tenet was released in cinemas! Just kidding, stupid COVID came along. Although I do still have fond memories of watching Tenet with L at Avoca Beach (she took me for my birthday). Heh, I still remember, in the early days of working-from-home protocols L came over to my apartment and we’d work in my bedroom on two tiny desks that were part of the furnishings. These desks were tiny, you could hardly fit much more than one 15” MacBook Pro on them. But it just felt great to be sitting next to L all day long and honestly, she was a great distraction from work. I don’t think I got much work done on the days that she was over. In Sydney the pandemic wasn’t too bad in 2020 and life continued pretty much as per normal but in 2021 we had a four-month lockdown. L’s family allowed me to stay over, and I’ll never ever be able to thank them enough for the generosity they showed me by doing that. I feel absolutely horrible inside, horrible beyond words thinking that I can’t repay her parents by marrying and taking care of their daughter as a way of saying “Thank you for letting me stay”. I can’t stop wishing that I could turn back time and do things differently in 2023 because I wish more than anything that I could’ve continued our story together. Maybe you can tell where this story is headed.

At one point during our relationship, L gifted me with a photo book of our adventures together. A book that I still have and cherish to this day. On the cover she placed two wedding photo booth photos in the shape of an “L” and referred to us as L-Squared. One of the images in this book was a photo of the DC superheroes Hawkman and Hawkgirl. It puzzled me at first because at the time I didn’t really know much about these two heroes. I can’t remember how or when I questioned the choice of picture with L (I think I thought she put it in by mistake at first), but she told me that she liked them because they’re lovers who reincarnate and find each other over time and space. Maybe she told me when I was looking through the book the first time and I asked “Why did you put this picture in here?” I’m a bit of a romantic myself, so I automatically felt an instant interest in their story. L and I tend to like the same things like that (Shang-Chi!).

Now, do you remember how I mentioned a wedding song earlier? Well that song too is about reincarnation and finding lovers again in their new lives and throughout time and space. L had an interest in Hawkman and Hawkgirl, I had suggested a wedding song about reincarnation and reincarnation is a core belief of Buddhism. L and I never really spoke out loud about reincarnation but we somehow showed each other things related to reincarnation. Again, I think this is another sign we were meant to be or at least it was a sign we were on the same wavelength. It’s an interesting coincidence that Hawkman and Hawkgirl both start with the letter H and our names both start with the letter L. You know that meme with Charlie from “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia” where he’s got a whole bunch of notes on a wall and he’s trying to convince other people what he can see? That must be me right now.

I’ve never told anyone this, except for messages to L which she hasn’t received because she blocked me, but when MySpace was popular I wrote a short message on my page back in what must’ve been 2006, give or take a year. I wrote on my page “I know that before the start of everything, you were right there next to me.” It was something that I’ve always wanted to say to the girl that I would want to marry, and up to this point, the only person I want to say it to is L. Now, I can’t exactly prove I wrote this because my page was shut down a long time ago and I’m pretty sure I don’t have a screenshot of it. If you don’t want to believe this, that’s fine, but I truly believe that before the start of everything, L was right there next to me.

Up until now our relationship might be looking mighty fine and carefree but I can openly admit that like most couples we fought about things. This is a little embarrassing to admit but I was raised to wear my socks for a week straight. That’s right, my parents never told me to change my socks daily. I recall at one point, we visited one of her friends at their house and I took off my shoes and I could tell my socks smelt bad. I felt embarrassed immediately, not only for myself but for L, and I just tried to keep my feet as low as possible (i.e. on the floor) for the entire afternoon thinking that no one would notice (yeah, smart move idiot me, as if keeping your feet on the ground will keep the stank from wafting around the room LMAO). I’m also not the cleanest or tidiest person at times. I mean, we all know about “the chair” right? The clothes chair you have in your room that you dump all your clothes on and then move the clothes to your bed when you want to sit down, then back when you want to go to bed? Yeah, I do that. I think L also made fun of me for doing it at times. Cut me some slack though, I’ll scrub mould from a bathroom ceiling when I need to and I always wash my dishes after cooking and eating.

Issues like my cleanliness and socks started to wear down on L’s mind and one day when I saw her after work I sensed something was wrong as she seemed a bit quiet, distant and not her usual self. I didn’t say anything at first, after all maybe it was just temporary I thought, but when we parked in Macquarie Centre I noticed that she started to walk ahead of me in the car park so I asked what was bothering her, and then she explained her concerns and started to tear up about it. I felt horrible, like I had let her down completely. I later realised that although she was upset with these specific things, part of the reason why she broke down (or as much as I can assume) was that she was concerned about the connection between us not being completely solid, although I admit smelly socks and uncleanliness are not nice things. After all, if she was clean and tidy and changed her socks daily, why would this person whom she had met who she got along brilliantly with not also be the same? I learnt my lesson that day, albeit slowly, and to this day I change my socks whenever I can. Although lately I haven’t been bothered because why would you if you just don’t care anymore? It was also on this day (at least I think it was because I clearly remember saying it in a carpark) that I said something which I realised was quite profound. I said to L “You’re my home”. This was something that I have come to realise was a sign, which I’ll touch on later in this story.

We also fought about other things. Well, I fought about other things. Things like wings. Chicken wings. Somewhat ironic as I used to call her my little chicken wing (quite apt when I think about it, really). I recall we sat down one day to eat dinner, and we’d purchased wings from Pizza Hut. It was probably a Wednesday because they do $1 Wings on Wednesdays. I remember when we were eating that I was grabbing whatever was in the carton and just shoving it in my mouth, not worrying about whether I was eating a drummette or a mid-wing (which L and I had both previously agreed were the best part of the chicken wing). Yet I had noticed that each time she had finished eating a mid-wing, she would specifically look for another one! I shrugged it off at first thinking it wasn’t an issue because there were probably a lot of mid-wings, but when she kept doing it over and over I started to get annoyed. Just like her getting annoyed at my lack of cleanliness and smelly socks, I was annoyed at her for seemingly not realising or remembering that I liked to eat the mid-wings too because after all, we both knew we both liked mid-wings! I wrongly assumed she was going to eat them all. Anyway, I got mad and we fought about it and L would bring it up time and time again during our relationship. “What kind of couple fights about chicken wings!?” I think she used to say. I don’t blame her for doing that. Looking back at this behaviour, I realised how silly I was being. In the years since I’ve come to realise that drummettes aren’t even that bad and they tend to have more meat on them, and I’ll happily eat drummettes only for the rest of my life and leave the mid-wings for L if it meant I could be with her again. After all, it would be a small price to pay for eternal happiness. But really, the reason why I got mad wasn’t because of the actual wings themselves, it was the perceived lack of connection between us. This is why most couples fight. It’s not about the wings or socks or cleanliness, it’s about the concerned lack of connection.

Speaking of connection, there were more times than I can remember where L and I would say the exact same thing at the exact same time. I recall one day we were in Macquarie Centre (a horrible shopping centre by the way, I do not recommend visiting), and we walked past a butcher next to the fruit shop next to the Aldi. We both said “Ooh sausages” at the same time. This sort of thing happened semi-frequently when we were together and in my opinion was another sign throughout our relationship that we were meant to be. This kind of thing rarely happens to me even with friends or acquaintances, so for it to happen with my partner was a sign I was seriously lucky (for a few years, anyway).

A common worry throughout our relationship that kept creeping up was the aching thought of what we were going to do about the Melbourne and Sydney situation. It was the only problem keeping us from progressing our relationship forward, from getting married to starting a family. We both had a hard time coming to terms with leaving our family and home cities. I certainly always believed (note past tense) that Melbourne was a better place to raise a family; it’s objectively less intense and chaotic, there are more family-friendly activities and events during the year, road trips only take one or two hours from the city, you can get to the snow in three hours, there are more public holidays which allow you to go on road trips or weekends away, there are less toll roads and housing and cost of living is cheaper. L was adamant on being based in Sydney, and for good reason. Family. Her mum, dad, siblings and extended family are all based in Sydney, except for one or two cousins (I think). Her mum had worked so hard on bringing all her family over from Vietnam. L didn’t want to leave her mum and I didn’t want L to leave her mum either. Nor would I want L to leave her family. Unlike her family, my extended family on my dad’s side had split up – half had gone to Sydney and half had stayed in Melbourne, much to the dismay of my grandpa when he was around. I knew deep down, even if I didn’t want to believe it, that I had to stay in Sydney, and that it’d be much easier for me to leave my family than it would be for L to leave hers.

Throughout our relationship there were times where we both sat, laid down and hugged crying, trying to come up with a solution on what to do. I recall the first time this happened was when we were upstairs at L’s house on the couch. I think it was in August 2020. She mentioned it and we both immediately started to cry at the thought of having to break up. Other times we both cried so much we ended up filling the bin in my room with tissues. It was the sort of crying where clear snot streams out of your nose. Looking back, I was being a complete negative-Nancy and pussy about it all. Here was the girl of my dreams right in front of me yet I was having a hard time coming to terms with leaving my family and home city behind? IDIOT! I cannot believe I made such a mountain out of a molehill. It was just so damn stupid and naive. In the time since I’ve realised I actually don’t mind the hustle and bustle of Sydney and I’ve come to think of living in Sydney like tempering steel in that it hardens you, which isn’t always a bad thing. Sure there’s more cockroaches up there, the roads are hard to drive on, there are a lot of toll roads, people are generally more aggressive, cost of living is higher, house prices are nuts but you know what? If I was with L, none of it really matters. It really doesn’t. It was hard to adjust to at times, but my poor attitude and perspective is what the problem really was. I kept looking at Sydney through a negative lens and I didn’t stop or try hard enough to change my perspective of it. At one point – and I distinctly remember this – L asked me to promise her I would stay in Sydney, and I said I would. In my defense, the promise didn’t stipulate I couldn’t move back to Melbourne for a little while.

I recall a specific day where L and I were sitting on a park bench in Cabramatta. It must’ve been a Saturday or Sunday, and I remember it being sunny out. We were on the topic of Melbourne or Sydney and as usual, I started to have a little sook. As we sat and as I had my little daily cry, I started to talk about birds. I don’t remember what compelled me to talk about birds, maybe I saw a bird flying overhead or maybe I saw a bird pecking for food in the grass. I asked out loud with tears starting to well up in my eyes, “How can birds just fly away from their nest like that? How can they leave their parents like that?” L sat and remained quiet. Looking back now I realise – two or three years after that day – that I was simply asking the wrong question. At the time I was asking how can they do those things, when the question I should’ve asked was why do they do those things. Why do birds fly away from their nest? Why do they leave their parents? I realised birds are supposed to leave their nest. That’s how they find a mate. That’s how they grow. That’s how they live their life. That’s exactly how I found L. That’s exactly how I grew. That’s exactly how I lived my life. Looking back at this moment, it pained me that L — as bright as she is — didn’t suggest I was framing the question incorrectly. Maybe she was wondering “Why am I with such a sooky la la?” Looking back, I think this was another sign. By talking about birds, the universe was telling me that I — like a bird — am supposed to fly away from my nest. I just wasn’t asking the question in the right way. My time in Sydney was some of the most formative years of my life. I honestly feel like I grew more in Sydney with L than I did my entire life living in Melbourne.

I recall when I first moved to Sydney that I found everything to be exciting and new, which is typically the case when someone finds themself in a new environment. I was living close to my workplace and getting free transport to my office, the area I was living in was busy and I had a Coles within walking distance, I had checked out a few jiu-jitsu gyms and was getting into it again, the weather in Autumn actually felt like Autumn and not Winter like it does in Melbourne, I was becoming independent by meal prepping meals for work and I had reconnected with family whom I had seen in years (possibly decades for some of them). But as the years went by, I slowly started to see “the cracks” of the city. The roads were extremely congested and illogical, drivers seemed aggressive, there were two less public holidays which made it feel like the city was so focussed on work, there wasn’t any Friday or Saturday night shopping so if you needed to shop during the week you only had one night to do it, my local Coles would sell out of produce by 6 pm, it took 45 minutes in total to find a parking spot and get out of the car park in Macquarie Centre on the weekends (and it was so busy every weekend it felt like Boxing Day sales were on), there were no shopping centres near me that I liked to go to and fast food places near me just weren’t as good as my local stores in Melbourne. My opinion of the city was slowly becoming more and more negative as I focussed more on all the cracks I could see and I was applying that ignorance to the entirety of the city despite the quality of life in Greater Western Sydney being completely different to where I was staying. 

As the years went on my growing dislike of many aspects of Sydney made my longing to be in Melbourne intensify. Every time I’d hear about Melbourne in the news or see a trailer for a TV show that was filmed in Melbourne (i.e. a Hunted trailer before watching The Black Phone with L at the cinemas) I would feel an intense yearning and longing to be in my home city. I would miss everything about it; being at home with my folks, not paying rent, driving on calmer roads, the milder and less humid weather, the late night shopping on Fridays and Saturdays at Chadstone, the road trips that didn’t require you to drive for 2+ hours, seeing my mates and the overall calmness of the city. I was also constantly exposing myself to the news which didn’t help my mental state and I slowly became more anxious as the years went by. Unlike L, who would play Spotify every time we drove places in her car, I normally tuned into ABC Radio. I liked ABC Radio when I started listening to it but now I realise moderation is key when it comes to keeping up with the news. On top of that, I wasn’t really exercising much and I was still finding life in Sydney a bit hard to adjust to and my job didn’t feel very fulfilling at times. I felt like the main thing that was keeping me sane and that would make me feel good was being with L. She was literally the light in a city which I thought was dim.

My growing dislike of Sydney compounded with my yearning for Melbourne started to negatively affect my mental health and made me quite anxious, stressed and apathetic about life in general. Very regrettably I became dismissive towards doing things with L. She would want to do things like travel overseas (or domestically to places other than Melbourne) and go to Dubbo Zoo but I worried about money and how expensive Sydney was despite earning a good salary (although in my defense, when you think long term it’s pretty important to budget strictly if you want to build generational wealth). But now, I honestly regret not doing any of it because what does a few thousand dollars or a day off mean in the long run, when you can create memories that will last a lifetime with the one you love? (As well as with her siblings and their partners – it would’ve been fun to go to Dubbo Zoo together). Unlike the early days where I was happy and open to go on road trips to Wollongong, Kiama and Newcastle, I slowly became more closed off and non-receptive to doing things like going on road trips, although I think the last one we went on was to Cowra for L’s Big Day Out Birthday in 2022. On the other hand, if I was able to travel to Melbourne with L I would happily do so, especially during the holidays at the end of the year. But over time I became more anxious and pessimistic and it placed a strain on our relationship, and the worst part is that it likely made me a less attractive partner and person overall. I was a very different person to who I was at the start of the relationship and looking back, I can’t believe how much I changed simply because I wasn’t keeping my mental health in check. Despite having L by my side, I changed from someone who was quite positive and optimistic about living and working in a new city to someone who was negative with a can’t-do attitude. I can’t believe I let things get to me that much and I wish that I had kept my mental health in check. I had never really focussed on my mental health before, but now I realise that it should be a daily thing that you need to monitor, especially if you’re living in a place that feels a lot more intense overall compared to where you’re originally from.

Towards the end of 2022, a couple of big things came up. My apartment lease was ending and my secondment was coming to an end. I had lucked out big time with the apartment I was staying in. It was a two bedroom, one-point-five bathroom apartment in a low rise that must’ve been built in the 80s with a car space and I was in Epping paying $270 a week for it (because I was share-housing and the other roommates left and never came back). The thought of having to pay at least double that freaked me out because who wants to pay more rent when they’re trying to save for a house and future? Due to my mental state, these things weighed on me a lot more than they should have. L, being the wonderful and gracious person that she is, helped me to pack my stuff in the apartment. As I had to vacate I helped out the landlord by removing some of the furnishings from the apartment by giving them away for free on Facebook Marketplace. When some people came over to take the fridge away, L watched in fear as I was nearly crushed by it on a staircase (and I was shitting myself thinking it would happen too). Luckily for me I imagined going Super Saiyan so I could hold it up, and luckily for everyone else I wasn’t screaming like a maniac doing it.

After I left the apartment where I made so many great memories with L, I moved in with my aunt and uncle and at that point, L and I were on really shaky ground. I could sense that she was feeling nervous about it all and I felt horrible. It hurts a lot thinking about this. The night I moved in with my aunt and uncle, L and I were around the corner near their house. I don’t remember what triggered it, but we hugged and cried and in a sense we parted ways. For the next two months I stayed with my aunt and uncle and had to choose either a role in Melbourne or Sydney and L was gone. Looking back on this, I would’ve loved to have moved in somewhere with L, but I honestly needed to go to Melbourne. I needed to go back because I had told my dad “Don’t worry I’ll be back in two years”. I needed to go back because I expected to go back.

HR reached out to me at some point asking about my next move. Not having much time to decide, I figured since it didn’t seem like I was with L anymore and I didn’t really have a place to stay long-term that I’d just apply for a role in Melbourne. After all, I really felt like I needed to go back, if only temporarily. There were only three roles available in Melbourne and I chose one that best suit my experience and was accepted for it. The next two months were quite lonely as I went into the office for work, driving all the way from Bossley Park to Macquarie Park every day because I wanted to be in the office environment. L was on my mind daily as I sat in a quiet office trying to focus on work but found my mind wandering and wondering if she was nearby at her office. On the weekends to get out of the house I would go to Greenfield Park to buy Hot Star chicken and a Gong Cha tea and sit in my car eating it, glistening with sweat due to the warm weather and feeling awkward that L wasn’t with me. I wasn’t sure what I was doing or if I was making the right choice and I missed L dearly, constantly wondering how she was and what she was up to. L and I did communicate a bit during our time apart and on New Year’s Eve she spontaneously reached out after a few days of no texting and asked if I was up for a farewell dinner. And boy, am I glad she reached out. The fact she came back to me filled me with happiness and even now the thought of that moment still lifts my spirits. L was always great like that in the sense that she would always put an idea forward even if she was scared of the answer and she would always have hope for me. Looking back at the texts I never replied yes to the dinner and I instead mentioned I was at my aunt’s place and I wasn’t sure what time I would leave – which I realise may have made L a bit anxious if she thought I was busy that night – but after a bit more texting we decided to meet at her sister’s place (sorry J&H, I hope it’s ok I stayed the night without you knowing). There was no way I was ever going to say no to seeing L again.

I remember the night clearly. I arrived at about 10:30 pm after running errands that day, driving back and forth between my relatives’ houses. I parked down the street and L greeted me outside the building and she was wearing her cream coloured Patagonia fleece. I still remember placing my hand on the small of her back to usher her through the door because I really wanted to just touch her as I hadn’t seen her in two months. When we started talking and she gave me a tour of the place I felt as if no time had passed at all and I immediately felt comfortable with her again. We grabbed Chinese food from a restaurant that was open in Burwood (most places were closed because it was New Years after all) and ate together at the dining table and watched the midnight fireworks on her iPad. It was simple and quiet, and thinking back on that night I enjoyed every moment of it, especially since I was with L again on New Year’s. 

After dinner we laid down on the chaise lounge and talked before going to sleep. I still remember the way we lay down on the lounge; our bodies were laying in opposite directions so that we could face each other. We started to talk about us and as usual and right on cue, I started to tear up because I wasn’t sure what to do. At this point L was probably scared I was going to be gone for good. I think it was at this moment where I asked if she wanted to try long distance but I think the thought of it scared her, she always kept saying she could never – or didn’t want to – do long distance. Looking back on it all and how it played out, if she had just a little bit more faith in me (and if I had more faith in myself), I truly believe long distance would’ve worked out and I wouldn’t be sitting here writing this, or at least the story would end more positively.

I drove down to Melbourne a day later (I think). The drive down was nothing out of the ordinary. I saw a nice sunset and took some photos but there was nothing really special about it. I think I showed L a photo I took and she said something along the lines of “Wow!” even though I felt the exposure was a bit off. She was probably just being nice. When I arrived in Melbourne and back at my parent’s place I felt a bit strange. I felt off, like I had somehow gone back to square one.

As L wasn’t keen on doing long distance she started to tell family members that we had split up. I don’t blame her for it at all but it really destroyed my confidence in our relationship and made me question what was happening. We were texting each other trying to keep communication up but she was telling people we were split up. We only saw each other twice in 2023. I scored two tickets to the Grand Prix and invited her along with me to which she thankfully agreed (as I only wanted to go with her) and I think we had a pretty good day out. She bought a black Grand Prix hat which I thought was a very cute and touristy thing to do. I actually took some great photos that day of her on my mirrorless that I think are good enough for her to use on LinkedIn.

A few weeks later I flew up to Sydney for the weekend to see her and we did the usual thing we normally did; ate out at Cabramatta, went to Casula Mall Kmart and watched Netflix on the couch. It felt like the good old days even though we were separated and had hardly seen each other in the past four months and again it really felt like not much time had passed at all. I distinctly remember the last movie we watched together was “Nope” and we watched it late at night. I was sitting on the couch (as usual) and L was lying down with her legs across my lap (as usual). She always had a habit of lying down on the couch when watching movies with me. I also distinctly remember leaving L’s house for the airport. Her dad said to me “Hope to see you soon” and I still remember the way he was standing, what he was wearing, the direction his body was facing and the expression on his face which was a mix of concern and seriousness. Thinking about that moment brings me to the verge of tears, puts a lump in my throat and makes my heart sink because I feel like I let her parents down. Her parents went through the same thing as my parents did; they fled Vietnam because of the war. To this day I respect and admire L’s parents a lot. Even though I never really conversed with them much, I respect them greatly because of the hardships they had to endure. It’s not only L who I wish I could see again, I wish I could see her parents and siblings too.

After that visit I didn’t go to Sydney again to visit L, even though I would’ve been happy to. I actually don’t know why we didn’t visit each other. I think we were both scared the other person was trying to move on, or at least I know that’s how I felt. L and I kept messaging each other but it didn’t feel like we were in a relationship. I had no idea what was going on. I loved — absolutely loved — hearing from L about what was going on in her life, but I didn’t share much about mine because not much was going on besides work. At one point on a phone call she told me that her cousin N had asked “When are you going to get a new boyfriend?” and it hurt me deeply. Everyone thought we had split but I personally still hoped that we were together. It was shattering my confidence about what was happening. If we had just agreed to do long distance I would’ve kept up with the daily messaging, called more often, sent more photos and I would’ve sent the daily “Good morning baby 😍😘🥰♥️” and “Goodnight baby 😍😘🥰♥️” texts and flew up to Sydney more often.

I can’t blame L for being scared about long distance because I had constantly talked about how I always preferred living in Melbourne. But if she had just had a little bit of faith in me, I would’ve come back to Sydney eventually. Why? Because my role was made redundant midway through the year. When I was told my time was up the first thing that came to mind was L. I didn’t think about money, I didn’t worry about my next job, I didn’t wonder “why me?” and I wasn’t disappointed I was the one of the few to be let go from my team. The first thing I pictured in my head in the meeting with HR as I was being told what would happen next was L walking towards me in the apartment from the kitchen, meeting me halfway in the lounge room and giving me a hug. If I could turn back time (and I badly wish I could), I would’ve called L right after that call, or I would’ve driven up that day and surprised her by saying “I have some news to share” and we would’ve jumped up and down holding hands celebrating that I lost my job. The lack of communication and uncertainty with what we were doing was why I didn’t, as well as the worried feeling I had that she wanted to desperately move on (which may have been incorrect at the time). I still don’t know what she was doing at this time last year. If only I’d just been a little bit brave and spoken my mind like on the very first night that I met her, the rest of this story would be drastically different.

During the time apart we exchanged a few interesting texts. At one point during the year I found myself binging on Smallville clips on Youtube. I’ve never really watched Smallville before despite seeing a few episodes here and there on TV and for some reason I ended up watching a whole bunch of Smallville clips. L mentioned she was watching Smallville and I told her that I had been watching Smallville clips on Youtube only the week before. On top of that, there was one night in August where L texted me saying that she missed me at 9:13 pm. I’m normally a bit of a night-owl so I would’ve seen the text, but I distinctly remember falling asleep that night at about 9 pm. I didn’t reply until 11 am the next morning (which meant I would’ve slept for around 14 hours) but I replied apologising saying that I had fallen asleep really early the night before. L replied saying it was ok and that her first thought was that I was sleeping, which was surprising to me because I normally never go to bed that early, so how would she have felt that I had fallen asleep? You could construe these things as being just simple coincidences, but with all the other signs I can now see, I honestly don’t think they were. I think we just had a feeling about each other.

Come Father’s Day in September, L asked if I could chat with her on the phone. For some reason, I just for the life of me cannot remember much from this call. I have a feeling that I asked to meet L during this call, with the intention of meeting half-way somewhere like Albury or even Goulburn but I think she said she didn’t think it would be a good idea. I’m not sure why. Maybe she was afraid of getting hurt? Or maybe someone was already showing an interest in her and she wanted to try and move on with them? I never said it regrettably, but I should’ve said “What if the outcome is good?” or “What if I have good news?” I guess I’ll always be wondering what would’ve happened if we had decided to meet. I think it was also on this call that we decided to call it quits, maybe that’s why I can’t remember much of it. I can’t remember if I said “I don’t think I can come back” or if we both agreed to end it but there it was, our three year relationship with several months doing some sort of long distance thing was over. Despite it being over I still texted her a bit, but she replied with texts that grew colder, telling me that she couldn’t keep doing the back and forth and how it hurt every time I contacted her. I wish I had committed when she replied with those texts, and I’ll always wonder what could’ve happened if I did. By that point I was 90% sure I could move back to Sydney, but I just needed to be 100% sure just so I would no longer yearn for Melbourne every time I heard it mentioned if I was in Sydney.

Towards the end of 2023 I wasn’t doing much as I wasn’t working. But I think there were signs telling me that I should be doing something about L. I recall in November I watched a movie called Bridge to Terabithia. Without spoiling the plot too much, there’s a very sad part in the movie about two-thirds of the way through. When that scene came on, I immediately thought of my relationship with L and I imagined the main female lead as L and the main male lead as myself. Looking back, I think this was yet another sign from the universe telling me to reach out to L because it wasn’t too late but regrettably, I didn’t follow it. I still hate myself for not doing so because she was the first person I thought of when that scene came up and I believe that if I reached out in November and told her I would move back to Sydney that there was a chance she might’ve accepted me back because I had texted her that month asking if she had moved on and she replied saying she hadn’t, but she was trying to. Sadly I’ll never know.

Not much happened in the following months, although I believe more signs appeared. In December, I was thinking of the situation with L despite the fact that it had ended two months earlier. For some reason I kept believing that if I reached out and told her I would move back that she might be ok with it, despite not having any idea of what she was doing and if she was dating. I don’t know what was going on in my head. I guess I was in denial about things ending. By this point it also dawned on me that Melbourne no longer felt like my home anymore. When I decided to move back at the end of 2022 I was about 80% sure it was going to be a permanent move, with a 20% chance of moving back to Sydney. That might sound bad, but 20% chance of moving back is still a chance at least, right? I slowly realised throughout the year, my desire to stay permanently was starting to wane. I was missing L more and more, and I wanted to build a future with her. At about halfway through the year it was more 50-50, and then by November or December it was 0%. I wanted to go back to Sydney, I wanted to go back to L and I wanted to continue my life with her but I was paralysed in fear about what she was doing, if she had moved on, if she had met someone better than me and if she just didn’t miss me anymore. We had agreed to part ways on the call in September and it was now December. Two months had passed since we officially called it quits, but I hadn’t seen her since April. I just didn’t know what to do, and I wasn’t being brave like I should’ve been. It’s possible that at this point there was no salvaging the relationship.

The sign that appeared in December (well, January) was on New Year’s Eve. New Year’s Eve that year was quiet for me. I sat at home watching the ABC coverage feeling lonely, thinking of L and not really enjoying much of the music that was being played. I recall reading a news article that evening about the New Year’s celebrations in Sydney and seeing a photo that was taken at the Opera House. The photo was nothing special, it was simply an image of a crowd who had gathered with picnic rugs, baskets and umbrellas ready to watch the fireworks. Yet my eye was immediately drawn to a specific person in the photo. She was sitting behind an umbrella with her head and shoulders poking out above it. I looked closer at the person and their posture as well as their hair reminded me of L. Could it be? Could that be L in the photo? Honestly, I’ll never know because the image is too pixelated for me to be able to accurately tell, but if it was L I think it was a sign that I was able to see her again on New Year’s. And either way, I’m glad to assume it’s L just for that thought alone. I did send her the image on WhatsApp but I don’t know if she bothered to look at it closely because it was amongst a bombardment of other texts I had sent her.

Another sign that things weren’t going well for me appeared on the 2nd of February 2024. I woke up that morning at about 10 am in tears. I had dreamt that I was at L’s house and that I had walked towards her in the dining room. I had brought over some sort of electronic device, I think in the dream I thought it was an Apple device. As I approached L, who was standing in the dining room, I began to sing the chorus of “Under the Sea” (which is a song from The Little Mermaid) and I was waving the device about in a playful manner. Before the dream I hadn’t actually heard that song before, unless it was played in another movie or something. I placed the device under the dining table and we lay a thick doona on top of the table to make it comfortable and lay down on it. We hung our heads over the edge of the table and the device started to shine blue light everywhere, and Under the Sea started to play and fish were projected everywhere. It was as if we were swimming in the ocean again. Afterwards, we stood up and I approached L and hugged and kissed her. I started to tear up and I choked out the words “I’ll stay”, but she replied with “It’s okay.” and I said “What?” and she replied “ It’s okay, maybe it’ll still happen someday.” When she first replied with “It’s okay” I felt as if she said it in a way that meant I didn’t have to stay anymore. It breaks my heart thinking about this, but I think it was another sign, one that L had somehow moved on.

Another sign may have come to me was the day before Valentine’s Day. A storm had hit Melbourne that day and it was the worst storm that the city had experienced in a long time. If I recall correctly winds peaked at approximately 150km/hr. I was craving a McDonald’s coffee and toastie that afternoon so I decided to go to McDonald’s at about 3 pm, hoping to beat the storm which was supposed to arrive around 3:30 pm. When I was waiting in the drive thru I heard a loud bang, it sounded as if lightning had struck close to the store because the power went out in the store right before I was about to collect my order. Despite the lights being on in the store, the staff said that they had no power so I decided to high-tail it home. After all, it felt like the storm was going to get a lot worse extremely fast. As I was driving through some side streets on my way home it got to the point where I could not see further than one or two metres ahead of the car; all I could see around me was grey as rain battered against all my windows. It was so windy that I was worried a tree could be uprooted and land on my car. Since I couldn’t see anything and I was worried trees could topple over, I pulled over somewhere I felt was safe and waited for the storm to pass. It was definitely the worst storm I had ever been caught in during a drive and as I was parked waiting for the storm to pass it started to hail. Despite the hail not being large (I think they were really just marble-sized hail) it got so heavy that I had to plug my ears because of how loud it was becoming and at that point I felt like I was actually starting to panic. Eventually the hail and rain subsided and I was able to continue home. I think this could’ve been another sign about L; that she was going to have a great Valentine’s Day and that I was left in a storm.

On the 29th of February, I couldn’t stop myself and I texted L “I miss you 😞”, something that I had wanted to do weeks and months earlier but was terrified of doing. Little did I know that the texts that would follow would absolutely decimate me. She replied saying that I badly hurt her by not keeping the promise that I had made to her that I would stay in Sydney, that she was in a relationship with someone new who wanted the same things in life as she did and that she couldn’t trust my words. I foolishly bombarded her with more texts apologising (as well as the aforementioned New Year’s Eve photo) and told her I would move back, which I had actually decided in late 2023, although by then it was just too late. I assumed she would’ve taken a little bit longer to heal after the break up and to get over me, and that maybe she was just starting to get into the dating game or had been on a date with someone only a few times, but she had completely moved on and was in a serious relationship with someone new. I only needed two months, just two months to figure things out and it was too late.

I went against conventional wisdom and kept bombarding her with messages, emails, voice messages and a letter after the break up to try and win her back, to try and hope that she’ll see I’m “fighting” for her. Many would’ve considered this a stupid move because when a girl tells you she’s moved on and she’s blocked you everywhere, she doesn’t want anything to do with you. It was a stupid move on my behalf but I honestly felt like I just needed to get through to her although in reality it never mattered as her opinion of me had completely changed by this point. She had painted a picture of me in her head as a person who had a negative outlook on life, who had put her in limbo for three years, who didn’t commit to marriage despite her desires, who she was never in a “serious” relationship with and who didn’t communicate plans to settle down. Looking at all the wrongdoings I can’t defend myself, nor do I feel any sort of resentment towards L for thinking of me this way and choosing to ignore the good times we had. She was absolutely right, I had done all of those things.

My outlook on life had become more negative over the years as I missed Melbourne more and ignored the good things about Sydney (which at the time I believed was only really L and her family), I had put her in limbo (although really, I had also put myself in limbo too), I didn’t commit to marriage when I regrettably should have and I didn’t communicate plans to settle down, again, with too much regret. All in all, the relationship could’ve absolutely been considered as casual the entire time from the outside looking in. If you’re with a guy for that long and he doesn’t talk about the future then what kind of relationship is it? I absolutely regret not planning things further with L, or at least not vocalising what I wanted. I just wasn’t thinking at all about how to progress things. There were times where I could’ve progressed things but I needed to go to Melbourne first. For example, I didn’t want to move into a rental with her because I honestly didn’t want her to have to pay rent when she could be living at home and saving her hard-earned money. I didn’t want her to be like me, paying hundreds of dollars a fortnight to someone else for shelter, when she already had somewhere to live. In hindsight, it might not have been a terrible idea to live together, although when I was in the apartment she was visiting me so often and staying over that I thought we basically were living together, in a way. 

I incorrectly assumed that our experiences, strong bond and time together would automatically lead us to marriage and a life together. I thought that I didn’t need to say it for it to happen. I was completely wrong, I needed to communicate with her to provide her with security, I needed to voice it to her. I needed to tell her more about how I was feeling in Melbourne, how as the year went on it felt less and less like home, how I still missed her in October and how I felt like I was ready to go back to Sydney for good and without any reservations. It was always my intention to marry her someday, somehow, despite the Melbourne or Sydney issue. I simply assumed that we would’ve had the rest of our lives together and that things would fall into place eventually, I just didn’t say what I needed to say out loud. I thought that no matter what happens we would still be together. even when I left for Melbourne (which never had to be a permanent move in the first place). Placing myself in her shoes though, I’m sure she would’ve felt anxious and afraid. Here was her partner packing up all his things and going back to his home city to start a new job down there. She was probably scared of losing me forever but in reality she never needed to be, because I’m still in love with her even to this day.

Although she had painted a negative picture in her head of me, she also willingly chose to ignore the good times we had. And for good reason, I’ve realised now that I’ve actually traumatised her by breaking the promise that I made to her — that I would stay in Sydney. I may be wrong, but I believe that as a coping mechanism and as a way to get over me as quickly as possible, L focussed solely on my shortcomings and the bad times we had. All the good things like the laughs we had when we were cooking food together, the back massages I would freely and happily give to her, the pimple popping that I would happily help her with, the road trips we went on where we took lots of photos and ate tasty food, the weddings we went to together, the way I would film her semi-secretly just so I had videos I could watch of her when I wasn’t with her, the way it felt when we hugged as if our bodies were specifically made for each other, the magic of our early dates, the way we would say the same thing at the same time, the fact we didn’t get sick of each other at all during COVID lockdowns (or at least I certainly didn’t get sick of her), the way I meticulously planned her L’s Big Day Out Birthdays, the fact that I would say “don’t worry about it” in response to her sincere apologies for screaming at me in public multiple times (and really, it honestly didn’t bother me), the way we both cycled around having fun during the lockdown, the way I drove her up to Sydney and drove her back to Melbourne in one day, the way I showed her around Melbourne like a local, the way we grew exponentially together… all of the good things that we experienced together were simply forgotten. It pains me greatly that she’s chosen to ignore all the good times we had. 

I’ve only been in one relationship prior to being with L but the contrast was just night and day. I got along fine with my previous partner. We had similar interests, enjoyed each other’s company and we did plenty of things together, but it felt nothing like the relationship that I had with L. There was an instant connection that I’d never had with my ex or experienced on dates before. I was happy to see her all the time and I felt completely comfortable around her, pretty much from the start. We helped each other to grow and we were both open to each other’s opinions and thoughts. I really felt like she was the second half of me and every time I was with her I felt like I was suddenly made whole again. I can’t explain it, there was just a vibe there for me that never existed with my first ex. I don’t know if L has this with her new partner. I honestly think it’s quite rare to have that kind of thing right from the start, and I believe that many couples get together and need to work on building the connection, but for me (and I think for L too possibly) it was instant.

I honestly believe looking back on everything and with the benefit of hindsight that the signs were there all along that I was meant to be with L (or I’m just descending deeper into my own madness). How only after a few short months of living in Sydney I had met L despite never meeting a girl like her ever in Melbourne, how I ended up working only a couple of hundred meters away from her, how we both agreed to go on a date even though we were both discouraged by that point (which I’ve come to discover is actually known as Law of Reverse Effort, and it affected us both at the same time), how she greeted me on the first date by touching my shoulder (even though she said she didn’t normally that kind of thing), how we both could walk around for hours and not get bored of each other, how we both would say the same thing at the exact same time, how I had talked about birds leaving their nest in the park and how I had actually left my nest and found her, how it felt like visiting her home was like visiting a cousin’s house, how I felt like visiting her grandpa’s house was like visiting my grandpa’s house, how the new Western Sydney airport was opening up which could help to facilitate travel to Melbourne, how she likes flying, travelling and airports so she could scratch that itch by flying to Melbourne with me semi-regularly together, how her mum would say that I “look like her children”, how we both were locked down together but I still wanted to be around her after the lockdown ended, how she liked superheroes that reincarnated to find each other and how I suggested a wedding song about reincarnation and finding love, how we would always be happy to eat what the other person felt like eating, how I could sit on the couch with her and felt completely at ease. Sadly though, it doesn’t matter how many signs there are. If a girl doesn’t like you no amount of signs will mean you two will get married but I truly believe that there were so many signs all along that L and I were meant to be, before I messed it all up anyway.

But it now begs the question “If you’re meant to be, why aren’t you together?” And that’s a good question. The reason why we aren’t together is because I’m an idiot. Well ok, there’s more to it. I didn’t listen to my heart. I listened to my brain. My brain, which grew more anxious as the years went by. My brain, which I exposed daily to the news. My brain, which worried about my family in Melbourne. My brain, which I didn’t nurture with exercise. My brain, which I neglected with a poor diet. My brain, which constantly told me “I want to be in Melbourne, Sydney is bad, Sydney is hard to live in”. My brain, which couldn’t change its perspective on things. My brain, which assumed she didn’t want me back in June despite her saying she missed me in August. My brain, which assumed she had moved on by November 2023 despite her saying she hadn’t moved on yet, but that she was trying to. My brain, which worried that if I tried to tell her I would come back for good, she would knock me back despite me realising absolutely that I could live in Sydney permanently. My brain, which likely could’ve done with some therapy a long time ago. My brain, which yearned to be back in Melbourne when in reality I was already home when I was with L. My brain contributed to the poor attitude I had in life, and I listened to it over my heart, and that is why we aren’t together. I went against everything that was given to me by the universe. I needed to listen to my heart because after all, this was a matter of love.

And that’s the irony of it all. After meeting the woman of my dreams, the woman who I could easily see myself growing old with, the woman who I would happily build a future with, the woman who I would love to see mini versions of running around the house and kicking boys in the balls at school, the woman who I highly admire and think is stronger than most… I just ended up losing because of my own stupidity. I had the best future I could have ever dreamed of handed to me on a silver platter and I threw it all away.

L, if you ever read this, I’m deeply sorry that I took some of the best years of your life from you. I know I never said it out loud, but I’ve always known what you want; a simple engagement ring, marriage, a reception at Barluck or Villa Capri, living near your parents, kids, travel, buying a house together, a warm home (blessed by your mum), a happy family and a life in Sydney. Just because I never said this out loud didn’t mean I didn’t know it. Just because I never said this out loud didn’t mean I didn’t want it with you. Just like how we fought about wings, I assumed the connection was strong enough that you knew that I knew what you wanted. When I think about those things now, I realise too that it’s the future I want, I just realised it two months too slowly. It hurts me knowing that I could’ve given that cute chubby little girl — who kicked that boy in the balls in primary school (and showed me the exact location it happened) and who would split a Big Mac in two as if that meant she got two burgers and who would buy Pokemon cards from the corner store in Cabramatta and who would happily chow down on Red Lea chicken as a kid — all of that and I lost it. Please realise I made the biggest mistake of my life by not suggesting to move back in 2023 when I had the window of opportunity to do so after my role was made redundant. I should’ve communicated my feelings. I just needed to be absolutely 110% sure I wanted to come back to Sydney, and it took me a bit longer to realise it. Just a couple of months, L. I needed to be 110% sure because that way I could give you the security and surety you needed; that I would no longer be that guy who kept flip-flopping and longing for Melbourne every time I heard about it. I needed to be absolutely sure about Sydney, and I needed my perspective of life there to be completely different to how it was when I left (and it honestly is different now). I needed that not just for me, but for us.

I just knew the moment I was told my role was being made redundant that the universe was giving me yet another sign. It was telling me “You’re free to go back to L. Go on, off you go.”, but I didn’t say anything! Unlike on our first date, I wasn’t brave with my words. We hadn’t communicated very well in 2023. I believe you were afraid I was trying to move on, that I was dating other women and that I had no interest in coming back. I was actually afraid you were doing the exact same thing; that you were trying to move on and dating people throughout the year. I’ve always known how alike we are; how stubborn we can both be, how we say the same thing at the same time, how we were pretty much always on the same wavelength, how we always want to eat the same thing as each other. Isn’t it interesting how alike we are and how our thoughts can run in parallel like that? I haven’t dated anyone romantically since I left Sydney L, you might not believe me but it’s the absolute truth. Why would I want to? You weren’t in Melbourne with me at the time so everything you think are just assumptions, as are my assumptions of what you were doing in Sydney because I wasn’t in Sydney and I couldn’t see what you were up to. You can ask my parents or my brother, they’ll tell you I’ve been home basically 95% of the time. I am just not that type of guy, L. I recall that you always said people should be given the benefit of the doubt, so why can’t you give me – someone who you were with for three great years, who you saw crying heaps about what to do about us and who you actually do have many happy memories with – that exact same thing?

I know, trust me, I know. I broke the promise to you that I would stay. I absolutely hate myself for it and I hate myself for not being clearer about why I needed to go, I really do. I don’t think anyone will ever understand how bad I feel about it. I’ve shattered my own confidence, self-esteem and mental health because of it. But please understand and put yourself in my shoes for a moment; I told my dad “Don’t worry, I’ll be back in two years” before I left. You know how my parents are doing. If you were in my shoes I’m sure you would’ve needed to go back to your family too. If you were the one who had moved and who had told your mum “Don’t worry, I’ll be back in two years”, you would’ve needed to go back. I needed to go back to be with family for a bit and guess what? I realised that my family aren’t doing as bad as I thought. I mean, my parents are getting older, sure, but I really did realise throughout the year that Melbourne no longer feels like my home anymore. As the year went on, it felt less and less like my home. It felt less and less like where I needed to be. In November or December, I came to the total realisation I could happily leave and never look back, which is what I needed to be sure of for you. You once texted me that it was unfair for me to keep the promise since their health has changed and you know what? I still want to keep the promise anyway because I know now that I’m supposed to leave my nest.

Heck, I visited Sydney and I realised that Sydney isn’t that bad and I actually miss quite a lot of things about being in Sydney. And I did actually think a number of times in 2023 that I missed doing the drive to Melbourne! I don’t know anymore L, Melbourne no longer feels like my home, yet you are gone much quicker than I thought you’d be. I don’t know if you can understand how horrible this all is and how lost and hopeless I feel now. I can’t live with myself knowing I broke the promise to you. I feel like I need to move back to Sydney even though I can’t be with you, just so I can forgive myself eventually by keeping the promise I made and just so I can be in the same city as you. I made the biggest mistake of my life by not being clear last year about Melbourne and by not saying that the move didn’t have to be permanent and by not communicating my thoughts with you when my role was made redundant. I just know that if I had simply told you I was thinking more about coming back throughout the year and that I thought the redundancy was a sign that – right now – I’d be planning to propose to you, we could start planning our wedding, we’d look at buying a house and we could have a baby in the first half of next year, because we have three years together. It would be a whirlwind of a year. I know that if I saw you that our connection would come back quickly, if not instantly. All of me still hopes this will happen and I don’t know how to make that stop. Is it another sign? You told me it’s not nice to “keep someone you once loved hanging onto hope” but I just can’t help myself, L. I can’t give up on us, I just can’t do it 😭 I can’t accept that you’ve moved on. People have told me to give up, let you go and just move on, but I can’t. The only issue that was holding us back is no longer a problem anymore, and I know I can be the old me again because my perspective has changed and the thought of living in Sydney no longer bothers me.

Seriously though, this was a lot harder to write than I thought it would be. Remembering the good times made me feel extreme elation but as I continued to write and realised where the story was headed and that I’ll never have it again my heart just shatters into a million pieces and I can feel my brain splintering apart all over again knowing I broke a really important promise to the best girl I’ve ever met and the only girl I’ve ever seen myself actually growing old with. I would do anything to be able to keep that promise because keeping it would be easier than living the rest of my life knowing that I broke it. In fact, the hurt from writing this far outweighs the joy. I honestly just wish I could see L right now. This is honestly the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through in my entire life and I would wish it on nobody, it is unbearable.

Please communicate frequently and deeply with the ones you love, hold them tight and never let them go. Pay attention to the signs the universe presents to you, be brave and always, always follow your heart when it comes to love because you can always change your attitude.

And change your socks daily.